Many people, when they reach a certain age, begin to worry about finding a partner, a person with whom they can share the rest of their lives.
They have led us to believe that we all must have a boyfriend / girlfriend or spouse to be happy or, at least, have a full life.
The idea that we will only be happy if we find love is somewhat recalcitrant, but aside from that it is true that many questions are asked how to find a stable partner and then we will try to help you by giving you some tips.
How to find a stable partner: fundamental ideas to keep in mind
Although we know that loneliness is not a bad thing, most mortals look for a partner at some point in their lives, a better half. Either because we really want to share our lives with someone or because society has given us the idea that you can only be happy by having a partner, the truth is that many people long to find someone who they believe will make them happy.
This question can turn into a real obsession. In their quest to find the ideal boy or girl, thousands, rather, millions of people download all kinds of applications every day to see if they are lucky in this strange and uncertain world such as love can be. They look at hundreds of profiles, they “like” so many others and, if they’re lucky, they have a “match”, that is, someone seems to be interested in them.
Is it really so important to have a stable partner? The short answer is no, of course, but there is no doubt that many people feel stopping a partner as a basic need, something fundamental to their lives, so much so that singleness causes them dread.
The problem is that they run the risk of overvaluing the benefits of having a partner, reaching the point that when they get it, they may come across the reality of noses, seeing that having or not having a boyfriend or boyfriend is not what gives us happiness, but the way we cope with life.
Establishing a long-term relationship can mean a lot for some people, while for others it is something rather secondary, in plan that if they are lucky enough to find a stable partner they will not complain but they will not seek it intensely either. Also, and as we have suggested with the question that society pressures us to have a partner, there are several factors that influence the desire to have a stable partner or not, including age, economic situation, previous experiences, culture…
Why is it so hard to find love?
Before seeing how to find a stable partner, it is necessary to know the possible causes that have prevented us from not having a partner yet. It is normal that, after a lot of trying to find a stable partner but not being successful, it is possible that feelings of guilt, insecurity and many doubts. Some questions that may begin to resonate in our head, almost bordering on obsessive ideation, are:
- Is it that nobody can love me?
- Why is it so hard for me to find love?
- Am I not enough for anyone
All these questions end up eroding our self-esteem, since they can turn into the belief that we are not worth enough, that we will not find anyone with whom to share our lives because we do not seem valid to anyone. A damaged self-esteem implies psychological discomfort, an emotional suffering that can plunge us into depression.
Although discouragement and dejection can convince us that there is nothing to do, the truth is that there are many aspects that we can change to achieve a stable partner. The responsibility rests on our thoughts and actions, behaviors that we can modify and, consequently, they will make us more interesting, more accessible to potential partners. Let’s see what makes it difficult for us to find love.
1. Fear of failure
The problem with many people is not that they try and fail, but that they directly do not dare to seek love for fear of hurting themselves. This is perfectly normal, but you can’t be successful if you don’t even try. But not trying already ensures failure.
You may have had bad experiences with other people and you don’t want to have the bad time again. It can also happen that they fear not being enough, a fear that is reflected in the way they relate to others, which makes them not feel attracted to us.
2. Extreme shyness
As a general rule, shy people are characterized by establishing fewer social relationships compared to people who are not. This does not mean that a shy person cannot establish an intimate relationship as a couple, but it does mean that they will have more difficulties to achieve it.
Extreme shyness weighs us down in our search for love since it is synonymous with lower social skills. Fortunately, these skills can be improved, having specialized courses in the management of interpersonal relationships as well as going to a psychotherapist to treat any underlying problems.
3. Low self-esteem
Low self-esteem is related to insecurity and fear of relating. In fact, low self-esteem is a problem that we can find in social phobia and avoidant personality disorder.
For this reason It is important to go to professionals to provide us with the necessary tools to learn to value ourselves, in addition to evaluating what could be the potential disorder that has caused this low self-esteem and initiating treatment to increase it.
4. Fear of commitment
Finally, among the reasons that prevent us from finding a partner we have the fear of commitment. We are not referring to the commitment prior to marriage, but to the idea of committing to someone to maintain a deeper and more intimate relationship than a merely sexual one.
The fear of commitment can be unconscious, a fear that is expressed in our mind in the form of fear of initiating changes in our life, since life as a couple implies altering our single routine with enough security. When you go out with someone you have to take it into account, plan appointments, travel, sacrifice part of your time. This degree of commitment is scary for some and they unwittingly boycott themselves to remain single, even if they don’t like it.
Tips for finding a stable partner
Before looking at some tips that will help us find a stable partner, it is very important to understand that there is no single, infallible and scientifically effective method to find a stable partner. Each person is as they are, unique and unrepeatable, with their life trajectory and their way of emotionally interpreting their reality.
What someone can use very well to find a partner, another may not do very well. Likewise, below we are going to see the main aspects to be able to improve our chances of finding a stable partner.
1. Loneliness is an opportunity
While we are single we should not think that we are failures. Loneliness can be a great opportunity for self-knowledge and personal growth, giving us the chance to cultivate our inner world without having to be aware of another person, something really difficult when you have a partner.
We must allow ourselves time to enjoy our individual hobbies and activities, entertaining our minds and spending time in a truly enjoyable way. Loneliness is an opportunity to continue with what we are passionate about, in addition to growing as people.
2. Pacify our interior
You cannot achieve a pleasant life as a couple if you are not at peace with yourself. Before embarking on the adventure to find our better half, we will first pacify our interior, working on our own well-being by identifying and managing our emotions.
If we are resentful, restless, in a bad mood, sad or under the influence of any other negative emotion for a long time this will “embitter” us, affecting our way of relating to others. We may even become a bit acidic, grumpy, people who will make a bad impression.. And we all know that the first impression is very important.
It is very important to take advantage of and visit a psychologist. It is quite likely that our negative emotions are simply the result of bad things that have been happening to us lately, totally normal responses to an adverse situation. However, there could also be a mental disorder behind it, and in that case it is better to detect it in time and intervene as soon as possible.
3. Do not force the search
We should not force ourselves and try to find a partner as soon as possible. We may feel like it, but we don’t have to be prepared.
It is difficult to say when is the ideal time to go looking for a partner, but it is clear that it won’t be the best time if we are still getting over the previous breakup or if a recent rejection has done us a lot of damage. First we must wait for our hearts to heal and, when we have the strength to go to meet people, do it without thinking too much about it.
4. Expand our social circle
There are few cases of people who met their partner in totally unexpected situations, such as walking in the street and, without further ado, getting the number of a stranger that we found attractive.
Let’s see, movie situations in which a boy meets a girl have occurred, they are not impossible. However, and ignoring the dating apps, in most cases we meet our future partner through a friend of a friend. It’s a classic, unsophisticated and very mundane strategy that usually works.
For this reason, it is totally advisable to expand our social circle. Sign up for courses of anything, go out with friends, have a good relationship with the friends of our friends or family … Who knows? perhaps some of them know someone who has similar tastes to ours and, without wanting or drinking it, in a couple of years we will be saying “yes, I do.”
5. Don’t whip yourself
What have we still not found a partner? Many after several attempts would start with the whipping, the “self-blasting”. What if I am not worth it, what if I will not find love, what if I am not attractive … What a negative mentality!
If after several attempts we still have not found a partner, we should not start with emotional masochism telling ourselves that love is not for us. All attempts are few, and if we still haven’t found a stable partner on the fourth, let’s try a fifth time.
Likewise, it must be understood that love cannot be forced. It is something that if it has to come, it will be very casual, obeying random phenomena, beyond our control except for our way of thinking and acting. The worst thing we can do is think in terms of failure because the one who fails is not really the one who tries and loses, but the one who gives up.
The importance of not obsessing
As a final point, we consider it very important to highlight the idea that finding a stable partner is not an obligation. All people can be happy without having a partnerThey simply have to take advantage of what life has given them, the opportunities that have manifested in the form of a good job, a loving family, faithful friends or the practice of all kinds of hobbies that fill us with satisfaction.
In no case should we force the search, or choose anyone who does not convince us at all for the simple fact that we believe that having a partner we will automatically be happy. No, we will not be. Happiness depends on many things and, above all, on our way of facing and enjoying life, on the side or not of that better half that they have sold us so much.