Everyday duels

Normally we associate grief with the loss of a loved one, and it is true that, perhaps, this is the most visible and eloquent way of feeling and defining this stage.

However, we do not realize that, throughout a normal day, we can go through certain moments of mourning, probably not as intense or as deep as the difficult moment of saying goodbye to someone forever.

Understanding everyday grief

We do not give excessive importance or define as mourning aspects such as: a sentimental breakup, the loss of a job, an injury that disables us to lead a normal life, a failure of our children, a snatch from a superior … everyday moments that, When it happens, they make us go through the 5 stages of a duel, one of the most used ways to limit the problem and that derives from the psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, namely:

  • Denial
  • Go to
  • Negotiation
  • Depression
  • Acceptance

The first thing we must take into consideration is that a duel, whether more or less painful, supposes a rupture of the personal process of existence, which entails entering a world of unforeseen emotions, feelings and behaviors that are related to the problem (grief) in question.

According to Eriksson, a grieving stage involves an accidental crisis that leads to a more or less acute psychological alteration that is nothing more than an adjustment and adaptation to an apparently insoluble problem. This means that when these periods of daily grief occur to us, we feel helpless in the face of events for which we are not prepared and for which it is very possible that we do not have adequate strategies to face them.

All this is increased in the specific case of the loss of a loved one, and more if it occurs unexpectedly, but it also occurs frequently in other less striking but highly influential griefs in our daily lives.

One of the great problems with grief regardless of its depth is that often we face the problem alone and although we need the help of others. The reality is that it is a crisis that is faced, mainly, alone.

Therefore, the way or attitude of dealing with grief has a lot to do with personal factors, how we frame the situation at the time of life in which it occurs, how we find health and well-being at the precise moment in time. what happens, and above all, of how we face our existence every day.


To do?

We are, as a society, going through a time of mourning. This long-lasting pandemic has meant a change in our way of acting, thinking, and living. And it has produced individually and collectively losses, of different kinds: professional, emotional, family, experiential, etc.

We have had to say goodbye to a more or less structured, more or less secure way of life, to go into an almost daily shock, which forces us to change habits, customs, thoughts, attitudes, actions, which are causing us continuous unease; it is almost a daily duel.

A situation that affects all orders of our life and that forces us to make a series of decisions, both internal and external, to successfully overcome the situation by going through the phases of a “normal” duel.

We must enhance our resilience, which is nothing more than the ability we have as human beings to face our adversities. We have qualities within us that allow us to cope with these current moments of tension and unease, we must launch a new individual and social discipline.

We are vulnerable, but precisely for this reason we can improve and adapt to the situation from our own resources. Therefore, we must develop efficient and effective strategies that allow us to have a minimum control of the situation.

There will be aspects that escape us, but we must have great confidence in ourselves and in our society, take advantage of ancestral wisdom and use it as a support and basis to face the present time with guarantees.

A duel is nothing more than a stage of our life in which our ability to adapt, to make effort, to live the present time with meaning and strength is put at stake in order to propose a more promising future. The scars remain, they are part of our Self, we must not hide them, just look in them for the experience that will make us grow and mature.

As Charles Darwin said, not the biggest or strongest survive, but those capable of knowing how to adapt and learn to see new possibilities.

And if things get really complicated and we are not able to find the way on our own, ask for help, do not stay isolated, rely on a professional who allows us to look at situations in a different way, who shows us another perspective and makes us understand that the solution is within us, that we have within us. To be the necessary resources to overcome any difficulty, any duel.

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